Netflix recently came out with a movie called Baby Mamas which sparked me to write about this topic. As a woman of a certain age I think the expectation is to carry children no matter what mental space you’re in and it’s sickening. The movie was about 3 professional black women who were mothers of beautiful children but they all were able to relate on the most common topic of men simply being trash. The movie began with one of the characters finding out she was pregnant for the very first time but she was devastated because she knew that her partner wasn’t emotionally prepared to reassure her the way she needed to be. She was even afraid to share the “good news” with her friends/coworkers because she was afraid of the stigma of being a baby mother. Her baby father was a complete ass once she broke the news to him which led her to confide in her father about how she was being treated. It was unfortunate to see how her relationship dynamic was introduced but I love how her parents interjected to have a conversation with both of his parents and him to let them know that he’s not allowed to run away from his responsibilities anymore. I feel like in a perfect world this will happen in every situation because he ended up proposing to her towards the end of the movie to solidify his position in her life as the father of their first child as her partner. Overall the movie was great, I enjoyed the friendship dynamic and how present they were for each other knowing that they all had very different situations with the father of their children. They were able to find peace towards the ending and began coparenting from a healthy space.

Recently I’ve been dealing with a lot of healing around my childhood experience and accepting all that I’ve been challenged with growing up with divorced parents and having to always pick a side. This caused a disconnect when I developed an understanding that relationship dynamics change as time progressed. For a long time I couldn’t understand why married people depart especially when a child is involved but I was blessed with parents that showed me love in different ways. Their love let me know that I was brought here out of love and admiration for each other but things do change when egos get involved. I was also blessed to be raised by multiple people which made up of a village. I am still building meaningful relationships with my peers so that once I decide to procreate, I have a circle of people who I can trust to help me along the way. This is a topic I try my best to avoid because it’s extremely personal and as black women we are not collectively accountable for the false narritives of premature motherhood due to what we commonly see amongst our peers. Almost all of my childhood friends become mothers very early and I naturally disconnected because once I got more connected with myself I realized that I still believe in building family units instead of karmic relationships. A lot of times were not accountable because were being told that children are blessings from God but sometimes when we are in toxic commitments we further commit ourselves for the sake of comfort, insecurities, and simply not knowing your worth. I’ve always held myself to a standard that I would always keep in mind that having a child is truly a gift when you are aligned to do so. Financial stability can fluctuate but mentally, at minimum your partner should reassure you and give you the security you need to enjoy motherhood without having to face reality from a place of struggle. We see our mothers endure so much to raise us by taking on the responsibility of both parents and I often times see us repeat history by following within the SAME footsteps due to a lack of self awareness. It’s taken me a very long time to become self aware and I feel like I’m still learning how to strengthen this relationship with myself and my peers so I can pass on the knowledge and the love to my children one day.

“One main reason for me not pursuing motherhood in my 20s is because learning how to nurture myself first. My 20s are about figuring out what kind of person I want to be and attracting the life I want to live. Motherhood is a lifetime commitment that can be tough when you’re pouring from an empty cup (emotionally, financially, and physically). I want to make sure that if God puts me in the position to have children, I’m able to be the best mom possible. I want to be the best example for my child and that starts with me working on bringing out the best in myself first.”

– A Local Baddie From Around The Way

Questions for my readers

When did you decide to step into motherhood ?

Do you feel like you had enough time to prepare for that journey ?

What kind of parent were your parents to you and did you repeat history ?

One response to “Proof of Sex : Iโ€™m more than being someoneโ€™s Mom”

  1. This post speaks to me on so many different levels. I find myself in your words about relationships, divorce, coping with divorced parents, and how you find the strength to grow and be yourself. Relationships became more important to me because of my parent’s divorce, and perhaps also because of it, I refused to give someone a pass just because they were family…any toxic people had to go. I spend my life investing energy and love in the good people I come across, starting with my immediate family, but encompassing many “karmic” relationships. I think I have understood what you meant by that.

    For obvious reasons I can’t be a mother, but I also look at motherhood as the most beautiful thing that exists on earth. Just thinking about it, its power, its beauty, that it is the essence of our potential as humans, and I am totally and utterly humbled by it. When I meet a strong woman, filled with confidence and her own power, I can’t help but wish that she become a mother if she isn’t one already. Is that wrong of me? I don’t mean to project something unhealthy onto her, but I can’t help but look at such a person and feel that the world needs her gifts as a mother to make more of the world in her image. If I could have anything in the world for myself it would be to be a mother.

    I appreciate you sharing yourself here, and for hearing my reaction. Wishing you the best. PLJ.

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