Learning how to date effectively took alot of effort because it kinda feels like learning how to walk. In times when you’re unsure of your next move, you use your instincts to determine what’s safe for you. As women, we tend to not know our next move in the dating scene because we rely on the man to make the next move. Just know, most of the time, they cannot read your mind and they’re just as lost as us. If you’re dating someone that’s self aware, they’ll be able to let you lead because you’re worth it. Learning how to use my voice effectively while dating has allowed me to weed out the men who were actually grown boys or who simply deserve to be alone.
Back in 2018, I was in a 2 year relationship that felt like the perfect match for me. He was kind, giving, and very family oriented but what did I truly know about MYSELF at 20 years old besides what size I wore or what kind of music I enjoyed listening to. Little did I know there was a whole journey ahead of me. He was a Haitian born who strived to work hard to one day help his parents return to Haiti without having to work anymore. He strives to be the provider and to make me comfortable enough to rely on him for everything I needed. I don’t remember his age exactly but I remember him being a couple years older than me at the time. At the time I was working at Chipotle somewhere in Jersey and it was such a weird experience for me because I’ve done my time at IHOP as a host but I’ve never served food on a line before. I felt super vulnerable working in a new town and not knowing anyone besides my family. After a few weeks of getting acquainted with my new job, my manager sent me to the back to help out another coworker with the dishes. Washing dishes at Chipotle is hella fun btw, because they actually wash it so it was an opportunity to have fun with soap and water for a few minutes to get away from rude ass customers. Low and behold, I was assigned to work with my future ex boyfriend🤦🏾. His face lit up when he seen me come to the back to help him and honestly, now that I think about it, I think it was a set up. He was also very cool with all of the managers at the restaurant because he was considered a “Top performer” so they allowed him to do as he pleased. We engage in small talk that lead to him offering to take me to the movies and ever since that day I was hooked. It really didn’t take much for me to be impressed because he was my “everything” at the moment. But, things were great until they weren’t 🌝. I began to miss New York so on my days off, so I’d take the NJT to the city and return to a more familiar environment that I was able to navigate easily.
At the time he had a car and I didn’t, so it became really difficult for me to find my own kind of fun outside of him. My friends from back home were no longer able to relate to me so I felt the need to go back to what I knew best. After a year, I left Chipotle and applied for Forever 21 on 42nd street although I was still living in NJ. This was somewhat of my escape from my everyday norm and to find my own set of friends. Things began to get really tense between us because I began finding a life outside of our relationship and I don’t think he liked that. I remember going to a party with one of my girl friends and I received BACK to BACK text messages about me being in a party, at my age, at 2am, and I’m sure there were more factors as to why he was trying to ruin my night but I’ll leave that for you to decide and NO he wasn’t cheating that man was honestly just afraid of loosing control. Usually we weren’t the type of couple to argue but it began once I started to break away from asking for his approval to do things, always hanging out with his friends, and abiding by his expectations of what a girlfriend is. I’ve always been the type of girl that was always challenged the narrative, even as a kid I was always getting kicked out of class or getting punished for doing my own thing. But the real gag was, I was learning the type of woman I wanted to be in this world. I couldn’t see myself being with someone that doesn’t approve of the things I do without them especially if it had nothing to do with them. If you’re not able to allow me to explore and be free, it most likely wouldn’t work. And unfortunately it didn’t.
My freedom in my relationships shouldn’t be based on if my partner approves of it. Despite being a good person, you can also be yourself.
Attracting the person you want to be with also means cancelling out the things that USE to serve you. I use to feel like love means concern, something like what my dad did to show his love. Always concerned but not present. My time is so valuable now that I no longer accept bullshit from n*ggas. It’s all about what YOU are worth not what’s convenient. A lot of times we limit our experiences based on not wanting to explore outside of our circumstances. Men are not supposed to remind you of your dad, it makes you very codependent on their attention when in all reality you should have your eyes on the prize, YOU.
Utilize your time dating for memorable experiences with people who are worthy your time.
Be willing to choose your reality with this person based on what they are willing to sacrifice for you and vice versa. It’s ALL about compromise but don’t compromise if it’s one sided.
– Venusian Jonel