𝕯𝖊𝕱𝖎𝖓𝖊 𝕱𝖊𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖊

“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely. … He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken.” 
― Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Love is one of the most meaningful things that were granted in this life. We always hear about Gods love, mommy’s love, ect but we’re now coming into a time where self love is being highlighted in our lives. Knowing what love means to you allows you to move through the world with the intention to share your gift with others that are worthy of your energy, and not everybody deserves that shit.

Since I was a little girl I’ve valued my friendships that taught me about sisterhood because I wasn’t raised with my biological sister. My sister had a different assignment in this lifetime and I wasn’t included which I was totally okay with. Her mother passed on very early into her life so she had to raise her 3 other sisters after migrating to NYC from Antigua. My dad never really made an effort for us to come together because he was so fixated on making sure that I was given all the love and admiration as a kid. I went to church with my dad every week in my Sundays best down to the socks. I was always getting flewed out and getting the opportunity to explore different countries with my dad along with a few visits to Disney world upon request. I guess you can say I was pretty spoiled and he made sure to take dozens of pictures for me to remember those precious moments. Now that I look back, this is where the divide came in between her and I which later turned into jealousy. Once my dad got older he began to show his ass by being extremely resentful towards me for continuing to live with my mom because he felt like he was able to raise me “better” than she can. This is the shitty part of having unhealed parents, they tend to play tit for tat even with their kids. Unfortunately, my dad was great for gifts and trips but from an emotional standpoint he was useless. I grew up and discovered my worth in relationships and that’s when the transactional relationships no longer held value in my life. It’s super easy for me to disconnect from anyone that isn’t able to understand the concept of an intimate relationship which is an energy exchange that requires you to dig deeper than the surface.

My family relationships we’re always rocky because even though we’re related, it’s wasn’t enough to fully relate to my family members. I’ve always felt like I didn’t relate to my family because all I recall is lots of conflict and no unity. I recently had a great conversation with one of my girlfriends discussing the different strengths we see in one an other and one of the things she brought up was my willingness to do things without having the ideal family dynamic I desire. I take pride in being able to do what it is needed to cultivate the love I desire despite who wants to contribute. Learning that people are people has really allow me to detach from the lack of love presented in karmic relationships so I decided to focus on those who are able to be present and at peace with themselves.

What are karmic relationships ?

A karmic relationship is a relationship meant to facilitate the lessons we need to learn in this lifetime surrounding love and partnership.

I find that if you spend your life trying to persuade those who are closed minded to the possibility of change is a disservice to self. Same applies for my relationships with partners, I refuse lol. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been shown love by my parents and ideally everyone I’ve encountered tried their best to show love in the way they felt they could. It wasn’t enough for ME, but it was all they had. This all goes back to family, if your family isn’t able to protect and guide you to love and heal from past experiences it’s something you have to do on your own. Unfortunately I met them at a time where they weren’t aware of how impactful that could have been in order to be in a healthy relationship.

Thank God I’ve overcame heart breaks that were caused by infidelity or disappointment but I remember feeling like damn, why are they able to do this casually? Making love to people who don’t even know what love is seems alittle unproductive so at the time I settled for quickies because I didn’t love myself enough to know the energy exchange with sex influences how you feel. As I’ve gotten older I realized that I had to stop giving my love to people who do not deserve this divine coochie especially when they’re not real with who they are. People sneak around in their relationships because they’re afraid to face themselves. I just wrapped up the first season of Run the world and it has highlighted so many relationship dynamics that I personally experienced. I loved the show and everything it was giving but I’ll get into that another time. I saw a few things the characters displayed that I can totally relate to such as running back to an ex that didn’t believe in me, dating someone older who wasn’t able to understand all that it took to be in my position, having to face an overbearing but loving mother that just wants to make sure I’m happy, and of course friends that are simply still figuring shit out.

Friendships are my favorite part of my life as of now because I’m learning how to create healthy bonds with my friends so we’re able to teach and take a few notes from each other. I had to let go of the friendships that only held weight when we were gossiping or trauma bonding about men and family members that we cannot change. It took a lot out of me to do so but it had to realize that you don’t have to settle for relationships that do not serve your higher purpose. I’ve been able to reconnect with a friend I departed from two years ago and it’s been so divine. I really needed that time to gather myself and transcend into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I couldn’t see myself being this person two years ago because I simply wasn’t ready to be accountable for why I was living this sad, pitiful life. I’ve dealt with friendships in the past that were based on us living in the same environment but we did not relate.

I remember falling on really hard times in 2013 and I was living in East Orange, NJ. I’m a New Yorker to the core so I genuinely felt like a fish out of water living in this huge 3 bedroom 2 family house with my mom and her boyfriend at the time. My friends from school would come over to hang out and everything seemed great at first. One day my stepdad decided to move out without letting us know and took ALL his shit. As a little girl I was fucking devastated, and I couldn’t understand how someone could be so heartless. My mom and I came home to an empty house, no explanation, just silence. The lack of communication came from a lack of accountability on his part and he’s apologized ever since but it doesn’t change the memory that was implanted in my head at a time where I was so happy to have a home where I saw my parents work together to live and to share beautiful memories. Unfortunately I was never considered within the agreement.

As a teenager in that moment I felt hopeless like what can I do to help ? Who can I call on for help? Not knowing that it was my responsibility to be the parent but the person that should have been more aware than me simply wasn’t. I took on the emotion of fear from a very young age coming from a place of instability and confusion within the household. I couldn’t even think of anyone to confide in at the time because it felt unnatural to ask my friends or family for funds to help us from not getting evicted but it was inevitable. I had to just go with the flow trusting that my mom would take the initiative to make sure I’m set up for a better outcome. Things escalated pretty quickly as bills began to pile up and soon or later we began packing our belongings to evacuate the premises. I was left to pack up our belongings with my boyfriend at the time while she went enjoyed a luxury vacation with her friends at the time. Constantly experiencing abandonment has brought me to space where I was afraid to speak up for myself. When I did it went unnoticed and shit will always go exactly as planned because I be knowing when shit is about to go left. My intuition has picked up drastically once I become a teenager so there’s that lol. I felt like I needed to keep my truth to myself with little to no time to fully heal and progress. I felt very stuck dealing with the emotions of others that has never considered me, my safety, and my peace.

It becomes a thing of knowing what you want and the parts of you you’re willing to sacrifice to see the results of a healthy relationship. I know no ones perfect but I’ve been able distinguish love and company. Some people take up space while love fills you up like your favorite home cooked meal. Children should never have to suffer with you based on you wanting to live a life that only benefits you and how you’re viewed. They deserve love and harmony even when things get tough, that is for YOU to carry as a parent.

Through it all, I’ve learned that I’m worthy of the kind, and delicate love that I know exist. I know hurt people hurt people so I have no animosity towards my stepdad for his decisions in the past because he’s broken hearted from whatever has shattered his idea of love in the past. It took alot of strength out of me to heal from all the trauma he has caused in my life as a young girl but it was necessary for me to separate myself from the chaotic energy that surrounds him. Abandoning your family and neglecting them from love that they deserve as a parent or partner, is a disservice to self because spirit always deals with you accordingly. When I decide to have children I’ll be so aware of who I am and what I stand for that my partner will willingly provide the family unit they deserve because love begins at home. Alot of people are out here having kids with a broken heart that sometimes never gets healed because you now have to raise another human being that didn’t ask to be here, I refuse to be that kind of parent so until then I will continue to pour into myself, pour into my home, my partner, and my tribe.

Life will always grant you great company as long as you go into it with an open heart. Fix your heart so you’re able to be present for those who pour into you. Pray for those who don’t know what true love is. My heart truly breaks for you. I pray that you come to an understanding that life is all about transformation and you have to be ready and willing to do the work to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Treat people the way you want to be treated, it will come back to you 10 fold.

The negativity that has transpired in my life in the past no longer serves any justice to self nor my ego. I’ve reached a point where I don’t care to fix the past and solely embrace the beautiful love my partner provides because ideally I never had to ask for it. For the first time in my life a man came into my life and I didn’t have to suffer before I saw the love I deserve. This all came from me being patient and always doing the right thing even when the suffering turned into depression. Transmuting that draining energy into a beautiful reality that I love and appreciate now. This energy has allowed me to give gratitude to the moments that were lessons in disguise and I passed ! So can you, you have to leave people where they’re at instead of forcing your ideas upon them. If you know love, you’re already abundant in your existence and that’s all you need to attract divine love into your life.

Be blessed my loves <3